By Janelle Burmaster
By Janelle Burmaster
So my roommate forced me into getting DirecTV when we moved in to this apartment together. You would think it was because DirecTV has a premium sports package you can’t get with other Satellite companies, but no – he just said it was easier to use.
The promotion at the time was the Premium choice package (all the movie channels included) for $45.99 for the first 3 months. Well, at least I’d have movies to Tivo for the summer since I could no longer afford to rent after shelling out a hefty $150 for the damn thing. I prefer Dish, there’s nothing to buy.
Like Dish though, DirecTV satellite channels all air on Eastern Time – so we get to see everything but local channels three hours early. This means that round about 8 o’clock or so, if you tuned to the guide to see what’s playing on Showtime, HBO or Cinemax, the chances of finding three or four soft porn flicks is good.
I admit, I watched a few. They were pretty terrible, but I could see the appeal on a certain level. My favorite, at least as far as comedic value goes, was Spiderbabe. This take on Spiderman showed Uncle “Flem” and Aunt “Maybe” as sadomasochists, and “Patricia Porker” as the slutty spiderbabe.
Obviously this flick didn’t arouse as much excitement as one would expect from a movie with so much nudity, but it had its moments. There were others, such as Model Lust, Call Girl Wives, and a plethora of movies with “sex” as part of the main title; all of which have a nice mixture of poor plot lines, bad dialogue, horrible acting, and lots and lots of sex.
The women usually have large fake breasts and pucker their lips unnaturally while they have quasi-orgasms. The men are what you’d imagine a “dirty old man” to look like. But when you Tivo any one of these movies, you are able to forward through the crappy filler (which goes on way too long if you ask me), play the sexy parts in slow or fast motion (whichever might be your taste) and eliminate the awful “bowchicabowwow” music that inevitably plays over every sex scene. They then become watchable.
At first it started off as a fascination. I have never really been into the hardcore scene; it’s just too graphic for my taste. Being a woman, I prefer the medium-core sex that you’ll see on these movie channels – if I forward through the crap. So that got me thinking. We all know that men are into porn – movies, magazines, anything. Self pleasure is an art form, and a must to most men. What about women? Are there closet soft porn watching women out there; or hardcore for that matter? Do they prefer to watch it alone or with their partners? Or is this strictly a male dominated phenomenon? And does anyone find it as humorous as I do?
To delve further into this arena and others, I need your help. We’re interested in your opinions on this subject or any other and any questions you might have regarding sex and/or relationships. For now I’m going to begin a little research on soft porn. I lose my movie channels in October, so say hi if you see me behind the curtain at the video store!
