Every four years around Christmas time, you start to hear an odd chatter coming from your TV.
At first, it sounds like a bunch of random people are raising money for something. Unicef, perhaps?
You’re going to hear a lot of malarky about people you don’t know, and a few you do. So allow us to clear the air about some of the candidates. Brace yourself; it’s enough to make you move to Canada and live amongst the caribou.
Barack “Fast Times” Obama is the cool kid from the U.S. Senate. He’s had some bad times when he was a rebellious kid, but now he’s back to make a change. We think he’d have a chance if he didn’t have Oprah in tow. She frightens us, and we’ve come to terms with that.
Hillary “Eye-Candy” Clinton strapped on her rusty nail-laden gloves and jumped in the race for president with a vendetta; she’s not out for blood, she’s out to cash in on her gender to assert dominance over her husband. Think we’re wrong? Explain why she doesn’t take her gender into consideration, then runs on the platform that she will “end the boys’ club” in Washington. BAM.
John “Ponyboy” Edwards is back to take another swing at the office, this time taking the front seat. We still remember the swing he took last time; he got a hit, but the ball came back and hit him in the face. The Dennis Quaid look-alike has a good chance, only because Clinton owes him for helping defend her husband during the first Clinton’s impeachment. But then Edwards voted for the Patriot Act. And that is why he fails. (Stay gold, Ponyboy.)
Onward and downward to the immoral, the odd, and the downright creepy candidates known as Republicans.
Rudy “The Penguin” Giuliani leads the pack as the “hero” of New York. Following the attacks of 2001, many believe it was his strength and leadership that saved the city. Others might say that it was the rest of the nation that pulled together. We could say a lot about Giuliani’s morals, but we’ll leave it at this: he’s a cheating, shifty old man that is unprepared for dissent and runs his campaign off of the unfortunate events that ruined countless lives.
Mitt “Destructor the Monster Truck Eating Robot” Romney has given a good dose of good old fashion conservative neutrality to the field of Republican candidates. At the same time, he has been the baking soda to Giuliani’s vinegar…. creating a volcano of childish name-calling and bickering. One such instance found Romeny and Giuliani pointing fingers at each other over immigration issues. Don’t worry, fellas, it was only seen by…. everyone that watches Youtube. Oops.
Giuliani supporters have also deemed Romney “Taxachusetts Romney.” Clever. We’ll give them an 8; loss of a point for lack of creativity and another loss for clear stupidity.
Ron “What the (expletive)?!” Paul is the creepy guy at a party that no one really knows or wants to talk to. Paul’s stance on the issues is to basically oppose everything, and stand for very little. Hey, it worked when you were the cool guy running for student council in high school (see “Obama” above), but not so much when you want to run the United States.
There are several other candidates worth mentioning… no, not really. Maybe all of our cynical rants and wishes for anyone other than President Bush caught up with us. Or perhaps we’ve been so jaded that we’re looking for faults in all of our candidates.
But either way, there’s nothing worse than being one of those people who refuses to vote. You have no room to complain if you’re not patriotic, and whether you consider yourself a Republican, Democrat, conservative, liberal, libertine, anarchist, animalistic puritan etc. etc. etc., you cannot be a patriot or a true citizen if you do not make your voice heard.